19: Ranting aka. The Sad Post

As promised, here is the Emo Sheika contained in one blog post. Feel free to skip this one.

I've been really depressed lately. Being around Micah keeps me from getting too desperately lonely though, so no extreme episodes like the one a few weeks ago. (See post) I guess I'm still really bummed out from my plans falling through.

I think now, its hard because I feel like I can't even make any new plans. I want to meet up with friends while I'm in town, when we go to see RENT I want to eat somewhere nice and maybe catch a few art galleries in the area, I have a friend that wants to take me to the Laugh Factory for my birthday. But I can't make any plans at all because I simply do not know what condition I'll be in on any given day.

3 weeks ago, I had assumed I'd be well enough to go see RENT and hang out with my friends. Well, I'm going to see it anyway but I'm definitely not as healed as I thought I'd be. I'm still unable to put too much pressure on my left foot and my arm doesn't seem to be getting better at all. It's going to be a serious pain going to see RENT, but I know I'm going to absolutely regret it if I don't go. Who knows when it will be back in town?!

Every day I keep thinking "Just 1 more week and I'll be better" but that week comes and goes and it still hurts when I wake up in the morning and I can't write/draw/paint for more than 5-10 minute blocks of time. Walking anywhere is a pain and leaving the house even for a little bit is absolutely exhausting.

My biggest concern right now is that school starts in 3 weeks (August 16.) I'm really really really hoping that I'll be better by then or else I don't really know how I'm going to do it. The campus is relatively large and my classes are all over the place, not to mention the total of 4 bus rides to and from school. The worst part is I'm taking 4 studio art classes at 3-hour-sessions each! Unless I magically become left-handed, I really don't know how I'm going to pull this off.

My Doctor is more than willing to give me a school excuse note, and I know my parents wouldn't mind if I take the first few weeks off...but that's not the point at all. I'm so close to transferring to a school I actually want to be in. I only have two semesters left. I worry that if I take so much time off the beginning of the semester, I won't be able to catch up and will have to spend another entire year at LBCC.

*sigh*

I feel really bad for Micah. I really worried him the other day. We had gone to the movies for my birthday and was walking through the parking lot to get to the theater. I still have really bad anxiety whenever there's a running car around but I went into a full-fledged panic attack this time. We were almost to our car when a car turned the corner and was driving towards us. It was a parking lot so it was going really slow...but...I dunno. The logical part of my head was thinking that obviously the car sees me, there's two of us, it was brightly lit and it was going slow. I dunno...I couldn't help it. It was like my mind shut down and everything went fuzzy, I couldn't breathe or move. I just kept thinking "I don't want this to happen again." I kept seeing over and over again the very last image before the car hit me and I flew in the air. I kept seeing the headlights and the bumper, how the grill was so shiny and reflective. I just kept seeing it over and over and over and I couldn't breathe. I kept thinking that I needed to move but I couldn't. Micah finally pushed/carried me across to the car.

I was pretty shaken after that and we went straight home. I haven't left the house since. I get to see a therapist soon (4 days) so maybe I can figure out how to deal with this stuff. I'm already pretty anxious about that, though, since it means getting in the car and driving out to the place. Ugh. I'm seriously sick of this.