13: Awkwardness

I called the Suicide Hotline today.

I'm not exactly sure why I did it or why I needed to at all. I was just sitting up in bed as usual, staring at the computer. Normally I'd be online chatting with someone or playing a game. I have a lot on my To-Do list but I just didn't feel like doing any of it. I just kept thinking about how my birthday is in 9 days and I don't get to do any of the stuff I've been working the last year for. I've completely changed my diet around from eating nothing but fast food to eating organic foods and being practically vegetarian. I worked out regularly even though I hated every single minute of it. I had lost 15 pounds and was on track to lose 10 more! My big goal was to wear a bikini for the very first time in my life on my birthday and have a BBQ at the beach. Instead, I've put those 15 pounds back on plus an extra 5. I feel horribly fat and ugly. I hate sitting around with a bum hand and leg. I hate not being productive. I feel like I'm sitting here watching precious time just slip by me.

Before this stupid accident, I was doing comics daily, I was sketching almost constantly, I had paintings planned. I was even going to the Summer of Art program at Otis Institute of Art. I was starting on my application portfolio for SAIC next year. I don't even know what I would do if I had don't get in next year. My parents have been breathing down my back about it, I don't know how I would tel them I need another year to prepare. I started thinking of how much time I was losing that I could be spending working.

I suddenly...I dunno. Had a panic attack of sorts.

Everything went really fuzzy in my head, I was hyperventilating and crying, I couldn't think straight. All I could think of was that I couldn't let my parents hear me or they'd come in and yell at me. I started thinking I was going to die. Started freaking out really bad, worse than normal. I kept calling Micah but he wasn't answering. I didn't know who else to call. I hate bothering people. I desperately needed to talk to someone though. So I ended up calling the Hotline.

It was really weird and awkward. The girl was really nice and helpful but the entire time I kept feeling bad that I was taking up her time when someone who really needed the line should have been on. I mean...I wasn't going to kill myself anytime soon. I just felt desperately lonely and panicked. She was really calm though and I think that helped calm me down as well.

She suggested I get a hold of a therapist through my insurance, which I finally did after I hung up with her. I guess I've known I needed to talk to one but....I dunno. Its just this wierd....thing. I know that people need therapists sometimes just to talk to...but I know my family will look at me like I'm crazy or mentally insane. And I just...I can't shake this...I dunno. I've been taught and tried so hard all my life to be independent and to rely on myself. I hate hate hate asking for help. I hate to bother people. I hate taking up peoples' time with stupid problems.

I kept apologizing on the phone with the Hotline girl. I feel like I was being silly for calling a SUICIDE prevention line. I mean...I'm not suicidal or homicidal...compared to others, what I'm going through is trivial. I dunno. It was weird. I've never thought of calling those numbers, nor did I think I was the type to.

I did end up calling my Dr to set up an appointment with a therapist, though its not till the 29th. I wish I could have gotten one a bit sooner. Oh well.