28: Frustrations and a new haircut

I'm not ready for school to start on Monday. I feel like I've absolutely wasted this entire summer. I wasn't able to do any of the fun things I had planned, neither was I able to plan anything new. (Except for RENT. No way was I going to miss a chance of a lifetime.) I wasn't able to go shopping for school supplies, either.

Mostly, I'm terrified about applying for art school. This has been something I've had planned for a long time but now...I dunno. The bills have started coming in for the accident and although my parents have promised to pay for my education, I am terrified they won't be able to afford it. We are nowhere near rich and finances have been very strained since the deaths of my grandfather and aunt last year.

I haven't been able to work on my application portfolio at all. I was hoping to take my time off for summer to work on it. Now I'm faced with the possibility of having to drop this entire semester if my arm keeps hurting. I really want more than anything to transfer at least by Spring 2011 but that's starting to seem unrealistic.

I'm incredibly frustrated. After high school, I had a solid 4 year plan for college. Within the first semester, I picked up the wrong friends, skipped classes and basically wasted time and money. I spent 3 years taking classes I didn't need and failing the ones I did. A year and a half ago, I finally get my act together and I'm so so so very close to finishing up my core classes. I feel like I work so hard for a year and a half and get so much accomplished...but in the space of just one summer, I'm falling behind again.

Keeping motivated is hard. Its really easy to slip into a loathing, self-entitled depression. I feel like I've been such a burden to Micah and my own family. I hate having to ask for help for simple shit like making food or even getting into the shower.

At least my leg is healing a lot quicker now. It still gets swollen and throbs painfully, but I only need one crutch to walk for short distances. I seem to heal in spurts. I'll go a week or two with no improvement, then suddenly one day I wake up and I'm less swollen or I can put a little more pressure on it. Its those good days that keep me going.

To cheer myself up, I decided to get a new look for school. I was getting tired of the old shaggy cut and my roots had grown in horribly. Normally I dye it myself but I can't really do it one-handed. I came up with this look that everyone said was going to be a) impossible. b) horrendous. I think it turned out to be neither! Haha!

I went to the Mojave Barber College here in Victorville. I got a student barber, Joseph, who was incredibly attentive and tried really hard to make sense of my non-nonsensical ideas and vague descriptions. I felt bad for the poor guy. LOL After a lot of fussing and test runs and people coming over to give advice, we got the cut done. The instructor came over and offered to do an all-over rainbow dye job. Not an offer I can turn down!!!

I'm really excited about the new hair. The best part was all the people freaking out, thinking the barber was messing up. Then there were the people asking why the hell I was doing this to myself. Haha! I've never been to attached to my hair. No matter what I do to it, it grows back. If it doesn't, I can get wigs...or sport a bald look. LOL

My favorite were the children. There were 4-5 kids playing around, staring at me whenever they thought I wasn't looking. At one point, this little girl shyly came up to me and said "You look cute." Put a smile right on my face.